Empathy 1-On-1
(About a 6-minute read)“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”
[Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird]
Empathy is widely considered to be one of the most important leadership skills. Yet, it appears to be quite elusive in terms of living by it and demonstrating it day-by-day in an exemplary manner. Why else does there seem to be a significant discrepancy between the importance that is assigned to empathy as a leadership skill in theory, and what the majority of us experience in our work environments in practice?
This made me think: what could I do, or provide, to help bridge the “say-do gap”? While there are many theories and explanations for why empathy in leadership is lacking, I don’t want to discuss those. Instead, I want to give you a practical “how to?” guide and share a few tips how to strengthen your empathy skills.
Welcome back to Spiegelbild!
Let’s start at the beginning. What is empathy? Empathy means imagining or understanding how someone might feel without necessarily having the same feelings yourself. In plain language, it’s about walking in someone else’s skin. However, it does not mean you must absorb someone’s emotions.
So, what is it like — really like — to climb into someone else’s skin and walk around in it? Here are a few of my personal takes on this question. Taking this walk means:
Leaving our judgements aside and adopting genuine curiosity towards another person.
Honestly caring for someone – having an inner urge to walk in their shoes, understand their perspective, and see through their eyes. You only expose yourself to this if you truly care for the them.
Putting your own needs aside — even if just for a moment. Empathy means sensing the other's need and creating the space to allow for that need to be met. In order for this to happen, you can’t solely focus on your own needs.
Knowing yourself and why you are reacting a certain way. Ask yourself, what triggers you to be judgmental as opposed to curious? Could it be that you can’t personally accept a certain behaviour in other people, maybe due to something you experienced in the past, or that you don’t like in yourself? If you feel insecure about a task or a project, do you find yourself mocking other people to pull down their confidence? Carl Jung said: “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” I find this quote to be a great reminder towards strengthening our empathy.
So, if we’re now all on the same page about what it means to be empathetic, and if we have some ideas about what needs to change — both in ourselves and our environment — how can we take meaningful steps to implement this change?
Know your needs
Empathy is "feeling with the heart of another”.
However, I firmly believe that you can’t feel with the heart of another if you don’t know what you feel in your own heart, and what your needs are.
A friend and fellow coach asked me recently: “What do you do to maintain empathy in a situation where you feel stretched thin, out of patience, at the end of your rope?” I really had to think about this and the best answer I could come up with was: “I walk away for a moment.” Sometimes, that is what I need.
Now, this might seem contradictory to what I said above; that empathy requires you to not put your own needs first. The key here is for a moment, a limited amount of time. Sometimes, you may need to take a break, go for a walk, meditate, whatever you need to do to recharge. Meaning: it is not a matter of always, but of right now.
If your “empathy bucket” for yourself is empty, you have nothing more to give to someone else. Know yourself, understand your needs and how to meet them, and then open yourself up again to feel with the heart of another.
Change the question
Asking the right questions makes all the difference. Why questions, such as: “Why is this happening to me?” “Why is someone doing this to me?” “Why is this person being so annoying/disrespectful/ignorant?” puts us in a negative, judgmental, and closed frame of mind.
So, what could happen if you simply changed the question? Instead of asking why questions, ask what? For example: “What can I learn from this situation?” “What can I do differently?” “What might be going on in this person’s life that I don’t know?”
Asking a different kind of question opens up the possibility of gaining different perspectives. It helps us know what we don’t know… yet. What questions can lead us to adopt an open, learning state of mind, which in turn allows us to meet other people with caring curiosity.
Be ok with not ok
Empathy means holding space — for people to express themselves and feel safe to share their creative ideas, concerns, how they feel, admit mistakes, be vulnerable, and speak truth to power. Empathy is vitally important toward creating psychologically safe spaces for the people in our care.
This can be uncomfortable at times. Let me share a personal experience. I, myself, am not a very emotional person, meaning I don’t start crying easily at the movies, or get wound up in temper tantrums. I used to feel uneasy if a person would share an experience with me that made them emotional, and openly expressed their feelings. Mostly, I didn’t know what to do in those situations. Sound familiar?
My coaching education not only required me to confront my discomfort with emotions. It also taught me how to create a space for my clients where they feel safe to express themselves, and to hold this space open for however long it’s needed for them. Becoming a coach has shifted my relationship with emotions from one that used to be judgmental and uneasy, to one of curiosity and openness towards the story behind the story.
Creating psychological safety is one of the basic prerequisites that people need to be at their best, whether in their private life, or at work. Psychological safety creates connection between people, which often goes hand-in-hand with more innovation, and a stronger sense of community.
So, how can you start to create psychological safety? Asking the right questions — again — is key. Instead of asking questions that focus on assessing, such as: “What went wrong?” or “Why didn’t you predict that…?” or “How could you have not thought about this?”, ask reflective questions.
Good examples are: “What have you learned?”, “What is the worst thing that can happen?” or “What is the opportunity here?”
EMPATHY
is considered the most important leadership skill in the 21st century, and it can feel a bit intangible at times. But you can strengthen it over time through exercise. Staying open minded and curious is essential in this regard — and this can be practiced and mastered. Engaging in coaching is a great way to build your empathy.
However, depending on workplace culture you can find yourself fighting an uphill battle. In some organizations, and in the context of, mind you, obsolete, role definitions, a control-and-command style of leadership is still prevalent. Empathy, asking questions and being curious might be seen as a sign of weakness in a leader. Don’t get discouraged!
I firmly believe that the tide is shifting. We need to develop a new understanding of leadership, and we need to train and educate the next generation of leaders differently. Leaders will need to be equipped with honest self-awareness and firm grounding that helps them stay curious and open minded, and put the people in their care first.
Horses are masters in mirroring back what is going on in yourself. They can help you build awareness for yourself, your needs and values. And they are great teachers for asking the right questions.
My clients have found that they could immediately apply the lessons they learned from their horse partners to improve their efficiency, and increase their capacity as a leader.
If you are curious about how equine-assisted coaching can help you build your empathetic leadership skills, book a free discovery call by using this link. I’d be happy to explore how my programs can meet your needs.
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