Define Your Wholeness
(about a 5.5-minute read)“Image is what people think we are. Integrity is what we really are.”
[John C. Maxwell]
If you’re living a life that is well aligned with your core values and principles; when there is no mismatch between your moral standards and your day-to-day actions, you are likely doing well and feeling a sense of fulfillment.
However, if you feel like you must compromise every day between what you truly believe is right, and what is expected of you, chances are, you’ll experience stress and troubling emotions.
Generally, we think of this as integrity. Most of us likely associate integrity with the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles that one refuses to change or compromise on. In the context of our work environment, we may also think about someone’s high standards for doing their job, and their determination to not lower those standards.
I’d like, however, to shift your focus to another dimension of integrity: the state of being whole and complete. More specifically, the impact that relinquishing one’s integrity can have on one’s own well-being and sense of wholeness as a person. In engineering we speak of structural integrity. What about your personal “structural integrity”?
Welcome back to Spiegelbild!
I once worked with a personal coach. With their help, I embarked on a journey to answer the question: “what does it mean to live a life of passion?” To me, living a life of passion seems like the ultimate goal — the “North Star” I want to follow. For I believe that when you do what you’re passionate about, your day-to-day actions nurture your wholeness and sense of being complete.
You might ask: “How do I know if I’m living according to my “structural integrity”? What are my goal posts? What are my checkpoints?”
The truth is: you’ll know it when you see it. We have this strong internal compass that guides us. Once you start to pay attention to what really matters to you, and understand the essence of who you are, you will know in an instant if a certain action or requirement is aligned with that essence — and if you are living with integrity — or not.
Define what makes you whole
In order to know whether you’re living in a state of wholeness it’s essential to know your core values. Defining your values and principles is time well invested to protect your integrity. There are many practical guides out there that can help you. Typically, we have both values that guide us in our private life and values that are important to us professionally.
Ideally, you’ll find that there is a large overlap between the two. However, it is unrealistic to expect that everyday work life or private life can be 100% aligned — all the time — with our core values and principles. And it’s also important to realize that the people around you may not be guided by the same moral standards.
Looking back at my professional career, I have experienced this dilemma. I have worked both in positions that allowed me to live and act in very close alignment with my personal and professional values, and in positions that required me to compromise.
In order to protect your wholeness — to not compromise beyond what you believe is right— it is important to be intentional and set boundaries: where are you willing to make compromises, and where do you absolutely refuse to retreat?
By sharing the lessons I’ve learned — especially with regard to how they now guide me in building my own small business — I hope that you’ll find some valuable food for thought; be encouraged to pause every now and then to reflect; and increase your awareness for what makes you whole.
Self-erosion
Do you believe you can compromise on your core values and protect your well-being at the same time?
From my own experience I can say that it wasn’t healthy for me. Before I changed careers I found myself in numerous occasions where my inner voice yelled at me to not do something, communicate more transparently, or take a different next step. And often enough I couldn’t act in alignment with my values due to work expectations, or other limitations.
And that is when the self-erosion, the loss of our personal “structural integrity” happens. I find that I have an almost tangible physical reaction to straying off the path of my integrity. It’s like poking holes into myself, and fracturing my wholeness.
You may wonder what are the symptoms? How do you know and how can you arm yourself against losing your wholeness?
Your emotions are a great radar in these situations. When you're compromising too much, or even violating your values, you can feel hurt, angry, frustrated, depressed or hopeless. For certain you’ll experience difficult or troublesome emotions. Pay attention. Emotions are neither good nor bad. They are important signals that tell us something.
If you find yourself in situations that erode your being whole, take a step back and assess. Ask yourself: “Do I have to compromise this much?” “Is the price I’m paying worth it?” “Can I be more assertive?” “What actions can I take to protect my integrity?”
What is meant for you will always be worth the wait
For myself, compromising on my values and principles not only wasn’t healthy; it wasn’t sustainable. I ended up in a place where I had lost an understanding of who I truly am. To rediscover it I had to go back to that fundamental question and ask myself: “what does it mean to me to live a life of wholeness?”
The answer to that question guides me everyday as the owner of a small, young business. It’s not about following what is easy; it’s about following what is right.
I’ve come across many situations where it was tempting to make compromises, to sign up for something that promised a quick (or short-term) gain.
In those situations I found it important to pause and check-in with my values. I’d ask myself: “Why did I start the business?" “Is what I’m doing moving me measurably towards my goals?” “Who do I want to collaborate with?” “Which approach is aligned closely enough with my principles of leadership and personal development, and which one is too far removed?"
Sometimes 90% is close enough
Compromising on your values and principles is sometimes a necessity. Whether you’re a small business owner, or you’re seeking to ensure alignment between your own set of moral standards and your employer’s values, you’ll know that it’s never just black or white. Life is lived in shades of grey.
In situations that require you to compromise it is essential to stay true to your whole self. Reflect what feels right and what doesn’t. Explore potential consequences. Determine when it is ok to bend a bit, and when bending too far will break you. And check if agreeing to a compromise leaves you still in balance, or at risk of capsizing?
It’s also important to understand what lies within your control, and what does not. Sometimes all your advocacy efforts, the information you’ve provided, the rationale you've laid out still doesn’t achieve the outcome that would be closest aligned with your values.
Personally I can say that experiencing such situations too many times eventually led me to believe that acting according to work expectations required me to bend too far. It became obvious that I was jeopardizing my long-term wholeness, and as a result my well-being and sense of purpose.
Your integrity — your wholeness — is uniquely you. Chart your own North Star.
What is foundational to me is the conviction that we can find learnings in unexpected situations if we’re willing to be open and observant. If you’re finding yourself in need to (re)connect with your core values and principles — to define your wholeness — book a free discovery call by using this link.
I’m looking forward to meeting you and discussing how equine-assisted coaching can support you in living a life of passion and protecting your wholeness.
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