You Always Meet Twice in Life
(About a 6-minute read)“Never burn a bridge. Just shut it down for renovations for a while.”
[Unknown]
There is a German saying that has been my life’s motto for decades: it literally translates to “one meets everyone twice in life.”
To me, it means do not burn bridges as one doesn’t know what life may bring. The saying for me also relates to the philosophy of “taking the high road” — to act in a noble manner, especially when a relationship has run its course and needs to be ended. Or maybe “closed for renovations” for a while.
Welcome back to Spiegelbild!
As we bid farewell to the old year and welcome 2024 I think this blog is the perfect occasion to talk about relationships. Why are they so important in our lives — and at the same time so tricky to maintain and manage?
Who among you is truly surprised by the plethora of Christmas movies that hone in on the dreadful gatherings where everyone seems to be having an argument with everyone? Family gatherings are forcefields of emotions where opposite perspectives collide. It’s true that you can chose your friends but not your family. When you watch these movies, do you ask yourself why people actually put up with this, and why they gather in the same formation every year, although they obviously can’t stand each other?
The answer lies in our human nature. We are social beings. We need relationships and connections with other humans (and non-humans) for our well-being — and sometimes that includes the rocky ones.
While those Christmas movies tend to dramatize the conflicts and fights, in the end it’s the common ground, the understanding, the tolerance and the kindness amongst people that wins. We do need relationships to survive and thrive.
Not all relationships, however, are of equal quality. Some are nurturing and uplifting, while others require a lot of effort; and yet another kind can be draining or unhealthy. So, how can we navigate these different qualities, and how can we manage relationships without burning bridges? Or can we?
Building lasting relationships
All the values I’ve introduced you to in my previous blogs — creativity, honesty, excellence, and integrity — are key ingredients to building lasting relationships.
I don’t think anyone questions the importance of building lasting relationships, but let’s take a closer look at what “lasting” actually means.
To me, relationships have a lasting quality when they are reciprocal, meaning both parties put something in and get something in return. There is an established trust that what one side invests in the relationship will be cherished and appreciated by the other, and will either be payed back, or payed forward, depending on the situation. This reciprocity does not have to happen at the exact same time. What is more important, in my view, is that over time both parties feel equally invested and to be benefitting from the relationship.
I’m convinced that lasting relationships cannot be created based on opportunistic behaviour, or by one party always being the investing one, carrying the relationship while the other only makes withdrawals and no deposits. There is something to be said about self-care in this context. While one should trust that what’s invested in a relationship will be returned in some way, shape or form, investment shouldn’t go so far that one loses themselves in a relationship and exhausts all their emotional and energy resources. Building lasting relationships does not mean sacrificing one’s well-being. I believe this to be true for both professional and personal relationships.
Lasting relationships do require a certain equality between the parties. Equality in this context, however, does not mean equal education, experience, age or cultural background. Quite the contrary. Equality as a cornerstone of lasting relationships means the investment in the relationship must be of equivalent quality, and on equal terms.
For example, I have a lasting relationship — in fact of more than 20 years — with my professor. We share personal stories as well as professional discussions and conversations. We don’t have to have the same opinion or the same perspective. We share as mutually respecting, trusting relationship partners. I cannot reciprocate by bringing the exact same into our relationship as he does — for I don’t have my professor’s experience, or education, or background. But I can pay back by providing new perspectives, offering support for research projects, or becoming a sounding board for his current students. I’m paying both back and forward.
Whether a relationship is built on equal grounds can only be determined by the parties involved.
Evolution
Life constantly changes — and so do relationships.
While I believe that one should always aim to build lasting relationships, the time horizon of “lasting” can differ quite significantly, as can the “intensity” of a relationship over a period of time.
I have relationships that are front and centre in my life — for example with my husband, or my parents — and others that come into temporary focus and then fade again. I also have relationships that are dormant for part of the year, then intensify, for instance during a trip or visit to another country, and then fall dormant again. All of these are lasting relationships with different intensities and a different presence.
What they have in common is a genuine interest in each other’s lives, a caring for each other, a common history or common interests, and the true joy found in spending time together and playing a role in each other’s lives — even if it’s only for a short amount of time.
There is a comfort in knowing each other and feeling that one can be one’s true self, with no facade and no tiptoeing around.
At the same time, I also have relationships that may not be rekindled … and may eventually fade into non-existence. These relationships might have been vivid and strong at some point in my past. But as my life evolved, so did the relationships and their importance. Sometimes you lose the common ground, or the common interest, and no matter the history you just can’t connect in a meaningful way anymore. Sometimes you become incompatible, for the other person changes, too. And maybe the changes you go through are too significant to be compatible.
Relationships, like people, evolve, and it is important to recognize that and deal with it in a noble way. I don’t believe ending a relationship requires burning bridges. What I mean by that is to demolish a relationship beyond any chance of repair. It’s like “slamming doors shut” with such force — by saying things one can’t take back, hurting someone, acting on assumptions or hearsay, neglecting history and positive experiences and only focussing on the most recent negative — that they can never be opened again.
The art of closure
So, how can you end a relationship in a way that allows for a renovation, rather then a demolition?
To me it’s about recognizing the potential. Just like with a home renovation, it may require some imagination. Maybe it is something you can envision for the future, just not right here, right now. Maybe you don’t have the “budget” — emotionally or energetically — to invest at this time. But you don’t want to shut it down entirely.
Especially in my professional life I’ve ended relationships many times. For instance when I changed jobs, or decided to work for a different team in the same organization. In all those instances I tried to focus on my instincts and what felt right, in terms of experience, skills, or personal growth. I’ve always been transparent about my reasons for change, and honest with respect to why I thought it was the right move.
And despite the negative things that certainly happened, I never felt the need to burn bridges, for example by airing dirty laundry. I had made the decision to move on and was content with that. And sometimes I had to concede that no amount of sharing my experience — for instance through an exit interview — would change anything.
Fortunately, I never had personal or work relationships with people that were mean, ill-tempered, racist or misogynistic. Of course that would change things dramatically. In my case I decided to focus on the good and not to dwell on the bad.
I think it has paid off because I have found myself going back to past relationships more than once, despite assuming that it would never happen. Because of the way I left I was able to rekindle the connection and make something positive of it.
“Stay in touch”
Managing and navigating relationships in a way that doesn’t leave burned bridges behind requires — from my experience — staying in touch with a relationship’s evolution. Pay attention to the stage your relationships are in. Staying in touch now may help you stay in touch later.
Are your relationships still enriching? Do you feel invigorated by what you are contributing and what you are receiving in return? Or do some of your relationships feel stale? And if they do, what good could come from reigniting them? Are some of your relationships beyond repair and need to be ended?
I don’t believe any of the people I’ve come across in my past acted in bad faith. While I may have been disappointed or even hurt, people probably didn’t know any better, were overwhelmed, just didn’t have the ability to separate professional from personal, or were simply unable to reflect upon their behaviour and their impact on the people around them.
To focus on the evolution of your relationships instead of the ending and burning can help you to cultivate a positive mindset and take “the high road”. It certainly has helped me to come out better at the other end. And to take the surprises — when I had to “cross the same river” again — with confidence and a smile.
If you need help in navigating your relationships, or improving your emotional intelligence to understand better how you show up in relationships, and the impact you have on others, I invite you to book a free discovery call by using this link . The equine partners in my program are experts in teaching you how to build and enjoy lasting relationships.
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