Finding the Positive in Frustration
“Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier.”
“It ain’t as bad as you think. It will look better in the morning.”
[both by Colin Powell]
Frustration happens! We all know the feeling and might experience it more often that we’d like to. We probably also all agree that it is a negative feeling, one that attracts further negative feelings such as anger or disappointment, feelings of futility and helplessness. It might surprise you that frustration can also be a catalyst for learning, growth and positive change. It is therefore important to acknowledge when we’re feeling frustrated. Because beside its “dark cloud side” frustration offers a silver lining that can lead to creativity, innovation, and a new way of seeing things.
Welcome back to Spiegelbild!
Today, I want to talk about a feeling that is very familiar to all of us: frustration. For myself feeling frustrated is always closely linked to what I’m truly passionate about — situations I want to master; tasks I want to excel in; activities I want to be really good at; and relationships that are dear to my heart. After all, why would I get frustrated with things that don’t matter that much?!? But if something is very important to me and doesn’t go as planned, I can get really, really frustrated. And this feeling of frustration can linger on, occupy my thinking, and create more negative feelings for quite some time. So, if there is something positive that can come from frustration, what is it and how can we access it more often?
Working with and training horses offers some great lessons about how to deal with and manage frustration. First and foremost: frustration begets more frustration! You could call it contagious.
Generally, when I work with my horses I follow two rules of thumb: 1) there are only two emotions that belong in the saddle - patience and humour. And 2) when you are getting frustrated, walk away! Now, that doesn’t literally mean to walk away and give up. What it does mean is to leave the situation that makes you frustrated behind — for the moment. Allow yourself some “cool off” time, create a distance and acknowledge your emotions, especially the negative ones.
In the context of working with horses nothing good can come from getting stuck in what makes you frustrated. Due to their high emotional awareness and sensitivity horses will sense your frustration. In fact, feeling frustrated will likely be accompanied by you also becoming more short-tempered and reactive, getting angry and exhibiting strong negative, unpleasant energy. You possibly might lose your patience and as a result become more forceful than you’d like to. All those negative emotions directly affect the horse; they transfer right over, and in turn cause the horse to get frustrated, insecure and maybe even scared.
Walking away, however, and creating some healthy “distance” — while working with horses this can mean ending the ride for the day, leaving a certain exercise that caused the frustration for another time, or changing the activity with your horse to something you both enjoy — offers you the opportunity to learn, to understand the reasons why something went wrong, and then constructively work on a solution. It will allow you to gain new insights and perspectives, and most importantly shed your negative emotions, so you can reflect and re-visit the situation with a more positive mindset. Maybe an exercise didn’t work out because the horse didn’t understand what you were asking? Maybe what you were asking was too challenging? Maybe you didn’t prepare the ride properly or didn’t take external challenges into account? Whatever it might be, walking away can be the first step toward finding a different answer, creating a framework that allows both you and your horse to be successful, and thus resulting in a more positive outcome overall.
Because of our societal conventions and behavioural code of conduct we don’t show frustration as openly as horses do. But I do wonder if the very same is not true for human-human relationships. Does the frustration become contagious? One person dwelling in frustration likely causes a ripple effect and “infects” the people around this person with the same frustration. And this spiral can never lead to a positive solution.
So, walking away and creating distance seems to be one way to reap the positive from a frustrating situation and create a new, healthy path forward.
Frustration can also function as a change agent, a source of determination and creativity. Take the workplace, for instance. We can get frustrated because there aren’t enough resources to do the work; there never seems enough time to deliver the quality we seek and as a result we’re left with “good enough”, or “must do” which is not what we desire; or we experience scope creep when more and more tasks are getting added and we feel like no matter how hard we work it’s not sufficient.
The key to finding the positive in those frustrating circumstances is to make optimism your top priority. If you are able to adopt a positive mindset and view the challenges as opportunities, you might be able to turn your frustration into a creative force. One that leads to innovative thinking, new ways of doing things, and challenging the status quo towards a true “onward and forward” movement. This is especially important for leaders and their teams.
The following paragraph from the book “The Powell Principles” (Oren Harari) captures this type of optimism in a fitting way: “Leaders who view the world positively and confidently tend to infuse their people with the same attitude. […] Leaders don’t have to smile through their tears and shrug off their frustrations. But the leader who begins and ends the day by saying things like we can change things here, we can achieve awesome results, or we can be the best is likely to bring a lot of people along with them.”
Another positive that can come from frustration is personal growth — an increased ability to self-reflect, understand who and where you are, and who the people are that you are interacting with. If certain behavioural patterns or ways of thinking make you frustrated, this frustration can be turned into a positive force to foster curiosity, dig deeper and develop a better understanding for the underlying “why”.
Frustration can help you grow your “spidey senses” for figuring out how to navigate and find your footing in different work cultures. As a result, you might be able to build bridges and integrate different approaches. I love the wisdom that Randy Pausch captured in his book “The Last Lecture”. This little book is truly packed with positivity and valuable life lessons. His advice is that when you are getting frustrated with people and they have made you angry, it may be because you haven’t given them enough time. So, if you at first don’t succeed, try again, and then try yet again. There is more to be gained by being kind and patient, than by keep getting frustrated.
This takes us back to the lessons I shared at the beginning. Frustration breeds more frustration and nothing positive can come from this perpetuation. So, don’t dwell on the negative or the things that don’t work. Instead, take a break, walk away and find yourself the healthy distance that allows you to develop a new perspective, a new set of eyes and an increased ability to reflect. I want to close with this quote by the Dalai Lama as it is just so fitting in this context: “The way to change other’s minds is with affection and not anger.”
The equine-assisted coaching programs we offer through Spiegelbild are designed to provide you with an innovative approach to personal growth, professional and leadership development. Working with horses offers people a unique experience that mirrors real life, is non-judgmental, and intuitive. Horses instinctively respond to a person’s non-verbal signals and intentions. They surface unconscious behaviours and reveal to participants subtle aspects of themselves they may not be aware of, but that influence how they are perceived by others. As such equine-assisted coaching allows people to gain new perspectives and learn coping mechanisms that can result in positive changes with respect to dealing with frustration and challenging situations in both their private and professional lives.
Curious to learn more? Book a free 30-minute consultation through our website. We are here for you — one human-horse partnership at a time.
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